This might get a little sad.
Glancing at the calendar in the lower right-hand corner, I observe that today is December Fourteenth. An innocuous date, one might think... yet careful examination of the historical record (i.e., the daily journal I have kept for the past four years) confirms that this is an important anniversary. It was on the evening of December Fourteenth, 2013 that my girlfriend Tara and I arrived in the Republic of Korea and began our grand adventure.
That first job we had (the one we fled from after three months) was meant to be a year-long engagement. So in a world where everything works out beautifully for those whose hearts are pure, we'd be on our way home to America. If you'd asked me where I thought I'd be in a year, I'd say I was going to be flying back home for Christmas all the wealthier and wiser for a fulfilling year abroad. But as we know, the world isn't perfect, and I've been home, living in my mother's house and working in my father's office, for about three months now. Tara's likewise with her folks, taking some time to reacquaint herself with life and friends and family in Oregon.
Due to the international date line, my last December Fourteenth lasted about eight hours and was mostly spent in transportation before collapsing on an uncomfortable and unfamiliar bed. This one lasted the typical length, and was mostly spent in my computer chair in the company of Tumblr and Netflix, though I did take pity on my body and take a walk through the hills by my house a few hours ago. Tomorrow, I'm going back to work for my dad, where I will continue to restlessly mark time until I'm ready to move back to Oregon and put my life back in order. As exhausting as the last December Fourteenth was, I think I liked it better.
You know, it's Christmas time, I've fallen from an awkward situation halfway around the world into a very comfortable safety net, and I just feel so sad. That's really the hard kernel of what I wanted to say tonight in this blog post: I feel so sad right now. I miss my girlfriend, who is the single most important person in the world to me. I miss my friends, the ones in Korea as well as Oregon. Sometimes I cry about it. Sometimes I don't talk to anyone but my parents. Sometimes I'm all alone with thoughts about how alone I am and how little control I have over myself. Lately my heart feels like it's constantly preparing for the sudden eruption of a worst case scenario, but it can never prepare enough and will simply fail at the least provocation. That kind of stress is unhealthy, and I don't know how to make it stop.
I know what I want in life, more or less. I want a satisfying job and a peaceful home with Tara, along with a thousand stories to carry us through the years of our lives. But melancholy is weighing me down.
I'm working on getting things together, and I still have good times every now and again. But I've definitely been happier than I am today. I hope I'll be happier again soon.
